May 9, 2011

Soul Searching

 My son Ben and his sweet fiance Jenna, gave me this beautiful Calla lily for mother's day. Such a sparkling addition for my garden. 
I was doing a little soul searching today while I wandered through my sanctuary and feeling a tad disappointed in myself. Disappointed because I was backing out of the craft show I was supposed to do on June 4th. and I'm not sure how I felt about it. Though once the decision had been made, to say I was relieved is an understatement. So I guess that says something. 
I was fighting with myself over whether my backing out was really legitimate or just me retreating again? Not pushing myself. Even while I was saying yes, 
2 wks earlier, I worried about the time frame for producing my product. I know Kelly Rae Roberts said she did her first craft fair with hardly anything. All I can say to that is, she's young and brave. 
It was flattering in the beginning that somebody wanted me to be part of something so grand and I really expected to make a big splash with it; finally, what I'd hoped for. But when time flashed by quick as a lightening bolt, I knew there was no way I was going to be ready. Plus, I was starting to completely stress out and my life was not so fun anymore. So much for bursting my boundaries.
Afraid to back out and afraid to go on. I had to decide if the pressure I was going through was worth it. It wasn’t. Ultimately, I’m the only one who can feel my pain. If I'm not ready, I'm not ready. No sense beating myself up over it, I say, trying to bolster my courage and feeling yellow as new leaves.
 I came to my conclusion while photographing this enchanting Jack and the Beanstalk cloud, that following my heart was the only answer. That, and forgiving myself which is major, if I'm ever going to plow through this gigantic roadblock I've sat behind my whole life. 
So I settled on being okay with me, to move at my own pace and try again in the fall. I called and cancelled. Candice was so kind and understanding and didn't hold anything against me. Whew, what a relief! We talked about the fall and Christmas. I'm going to take the summer to regroup and create as much as I possibly can now that I have such a wonderful place to work. So, onward and upward as my dear mother always says. There are illustrations to paint and bunnies to knit. 
Here's to a positive summer with dainty pink daisies and many little Jinxie's to keep me happy.
Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day. 
--Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne.